Today we have mobile phones, voicemail, call waiting, email, and many other ways of communicating with others. This allows us to keep in constant contact with the people in our lives. While these certainly have their benefits, there is an ironic twist. We have the means by which to communicate, but our communication skills themselves are suffering.

Active listening is a great skill we can all learn and utilise on a daily basis. Many of us say we are listening to people, when they share pressing concerns with us or give us instructions, or even when talking with our spouses or while out on a date. But if we try to recall details after the fact, we notice we haven’t been paying full attention. Perhaps we’ve been thinking about what we need to get done after the person finishes speaking, or whether our outfit or makeup looks good, or what we are going to say when it’s our turn to speak. Quite often this leaves the person speaking dissatisfied, frustrated and unappreciated.

So what steps can we take to improve our listening skills? There are some very practical, common sense rules to keep in mind.

1.) Treat the speaker as you would want to be treated in a similar situation. This is the golden rule of listening effectively and making your speaker feel comfortable. Avoid cutting in with your own commentary. Often, we are thinking about what we will say in response to someone’s statement, rather than really appreciating what he or she are trying to tell us.

When we are trying to communicate something to someone, we usually want to discuss a problem, share a story, or improve our relationship with that person. For some people, bringing up issues and concerns to others is very difficult. Respect the fact that this person may feel anxious and uncomfortable if he or she is bringing up a problem or looking for advice.

2.) Body language counts. Try to refrain from fidgeting, tapping on your desk,
looking at the clock or adjusting your tie etc. Maintain eye contact, and avoid distractions. Do not answer your phone, check your email, or interrupt to talk to a passerby. Also, be sure to lean forward, nod, and make the proper facial expressions to indicate that you understand what is being said. Body language is important on the phone too! If we are slouching, looking around, or typing, the person on the other end of the line easily picks up on this.

3.) Ask questions only when appropriate. If something the person is saying has confused you, or if you find you disagree, ask him or her to clarify. This may seem strange at first, but the results are amazing. When you say things like “So from what I understand, you’re feeling….” or, when you summarise what the person has said in your reply, you accomplish three important things. One, you ensure you are understanding the message the speaker is trying to convey. Two, the person will feel appreciated, even if you, in the end, do not agree with his or her comments or statements. Three, you make it easier for the speaker to express his or her true thoughts in a way easily understood by others, and thereby get issues and concerns out in the open in order to deal with them successfully.

4.) No not interrupt the speaker with objections. In many couples’ therapy sessions, for example, the therapist encourages first one person, then the other, to state their concerns openly and honestly, while the listener must remain silent until the speaker has adequately made his or her point. An argument can escalate out of control when one person continually interrupts the other. Interruptions lead to raised voices, frustration and anger. These feelings can take over and make mountains out of molehills as each person feels unappreciated.

5.) Never change the subject before you’re certain the speaker has finished or before a situation has been fully discussed and resolved. The worst listeners are people who nod their way through someone else’s talk time, and then take the first opportunity to change the subject to something they consider more interesting or important. The key point to remember is to tame your ego. Many of us talk to get attention, and we come across as speaking merely to hear ourselves talk.

6.) Ask others to talk about themselves. Think about a great date you’ve had in the past, or a particularly great personal conversation that left you feeling you’d made a new friend. Everyone likes attention and thinks his or her life is the most important and interesting life out there. We deal with ourselves on a daily basis, and often we want to share observations and opinions with others. When you ask someone in a personal setting to share things with you, you show that you are just as interested in that person’s life and concerns as they are.

Have you ever been on a date during which the other person rambled on endlessly about his or her job, family or interests, and never let you get a word in edgewise or have any control over the direction of the conversation? It’s not a very nice situation. That person often becomes boring quick. The same rule of thumb can be used when making new friends. If someone else takes the initiative to ask you about yourself, answer the question and then ask that person a question about him or herself. Unless you are being interviewed by a reporter, the main focus should not constantly be on you.

Asking others to talk about themselves is also extremely helpful in business. Consider the salesperson who is trying to sell a product. He or she has to find a way to make a good impression while trying to show the potential customer that his or her product is superior to others. But often the salesperson seems more interested in quotas and commissions rather than matching the customer with the product he or she can truly use.

This is a symptom of what modern advertising has become. Rather than fulfilling our actual needs and wants, companies increasingly resort to telling us what we need or want, and then providing it for us. This is one reason why listening is becoming a lost art. Bombarded by printed ads, signs and TV. and radio commercials, we naturally tune some things out in order to avoid sensory overload. The salesperson who will be valued by his or her customers and maintain long-term relationships knows how to identify specific customer needs and satisfy them, without trying to oversell or pushing products and services the customer cannot afford or from which the customer can not benefit.

With practice, anyone can improve his or her personal and business relationships through active listening. You will find your conversations are more productive, your concerns more easily resolved, and your relationships more fulfilling.